feeding the herd

i love grocery shopping. i'm also a compulsive liar. today's trip was, as advertised, the usual. i prepared for my trip to the closet sized commisarry the way i always do, by alternately reminding myself that the commisarry is closed on mondays (whose idea was that?) and trying to avoid that knowledge. eventually what may or may not be good sense won out, and away we went. i remembered to bring everything i needed, except the right credit card. oh well, at least i remembered all the kids. when we got there i parked as far away from everyone as possible, as usual. there are two good reasons for this, one, i'm a notoriously shitty driver, and two, i always manage to park next to some genius who needs fifteen or twenty minutes to remember how exactly one goes about getting into their car. said genius never seems concerned about the dangerously hot weather and my band of merry children. exit strategy for outtings go something like this. park, deep breath, quickly get out and locate the closest shopping cart (which i intentionly park close to), run back to car, get oversized 3 year old in cart seat, warn 5 and 6 year olds that parking lots are slightly more dangerous than playing tag with semis, and wrestle baby into evil front carrier contraption. alright, next step is to make it to the one and only atm on the base, while getting gaped at by people who have apparently never seen a slightly overweight, sweaty mom muttering under her breath and battling an oversized shopping cart with children hanging on for dear life. losers. of course, the atm is down. which is fortunate, because i was hoping to be glared at by the baggers (who WORK FOR TIPS ONLY!!!). whatever. i'm not even attempting to find another one now, maybe i'll try not to buy too much so that it'll all fit nicely in the cart with the kid sitting in it. yeah, and maybe i'll walk out looking like one of those moms that gets their nails done once a week and wouldn't be caught dead without avon's new summer colors adorning their shining mom faces. the shopping itself is pretty standard, once again i've managed to take advantage of "drop a senior citizen in the middle of every aisle" day. i'd hate to miss it. one kind lady talks to my baby in the front carrier for a good 5 minutes before asking "is he choking?" shockingly i did NOT answer, "nope, he just doesn't like your face." hey, i know he's fine, he kicks my four day old incision every few minutes to let me know. we make it to the check out, where the bagger looks sullen because for once the cashier has relayed the message that i will not require assistance to my car. the bagger still hates me and laughs a little as i struggle to get my big guy out of the cart. chivalry lives. so we manage to escape into the heat, where i can look forward to putting the kids in the car, and the groceries, only to have to get them out again before the ac really kicks in. take that bagger! who needs you...